THE GREAT BOOK OF RUBUBAHH
BY HADJI (A.K.A. A SIMPLE MAN) THE HIGH PRIEST OF RUBUBAHH
Once upon a time (thank God, only once) in a desert land far, far away (but not far enough) lived a simple man called Hadji. It was him who discovered the little known deity called Rububahh (who was currently enjoying his fifth incarnation as a rock). According to Hadji, he became a worshiper of Rububahh shortly after being hit by the Rububahh’s current incarnation. It should be noted that the thrower of the Rock of Holies had not intended to hit Hadji. The rock thrower, Fred, had been in fact been training along with other fresh stone throwing recruits to become part of the village’s Emergency Stoning Department. Their motto, "We stone you, because we care."
Hadji had always done what he was told to do and ate all his vegetables. He did smoke various roots but the other villagers didn’t mind. He was the only one who was willing to shovel the camel dung out of the village of Ahk-mel. Ahk-mel loosely translates as "A godforsaken oasis in an otherwise lovely desert." It wasn’t a bad job, the simple man had thought from time to time, but he did wish the camels would stop spitting. That part of the village was the really gross part.
The truth is that the Great Rock of Rububahh had not actually hit him. It landed quite gently in front of Hadji as he was walking by smoking a little brownish green root that you make rope out of and then slipped on the current incarnation of Rububahh and summarily hit his head on the Holy One. He was so overcome with the vision of the Great Spirit he became a priest of Rububahh. However some say Hadji went from being a simple man to a simpleton. Rububahh the Great Rock has had little to say on this point no matter how loudly one communes with it, hence the expression, as deaf as a stone.
The great miracles of Rububahh can be found in the Holy Book, "The Great Book of Rububahh." So far only one copy exists. Hadji closely guards it, except when he is napping after a really long spiritual vision. The visions usually come about after some really good rope is smoked in a poor ventilated room. It should also be noted that Hadji never could afford to publish a book so he crossed out the title of an old book he had laying about and wrote in the margins. The previous title, "1001 Uses For A Little Brownish Green Root That You Make Rope Out Of," was crossed out with a thick red crayon and "The Great Book of Rububahh" written just below. It had first been published as a "1000 Uses For A Little Brownish Green Root That You Make Rope Out Of." That edition never sold well until the 1001 use was added which showed you could smoke it.
Still in his newfound quest to spread the faith of this Great Rock he neglected the duties of his job. The villagers became greatly upset by what was to become called The Great Odor of Rububahh. In a theological debate they tried denounce his god. The debate is recorded in the Great Book of Rububahh.
That part that is legible goes something like this:
Hadji: (rolling up some root to smoke) "Shade and sweet water sires. Have you come to be enlighten?"
Villager#1: No! We want to know if you’re going to shovel that camel shit out of town sometime soon?" –spit
Hadji: (lighting his root) "Hey sires, it’s okay. Every one of Rububbahh’s creature’s shits, as you say, sires. (taking a long drag and petting the Great Rububbahh sitting in his lap.)
Village#2: "Oh, for Christ’s sake put the damn root down."
Hadji: (after taking another long drag) "hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm……."
Villager #1: "What the hell? Hello! Are you even listening to us? The camel shit is piling up fast around here."
Villager #2: (digging his finger into Hadji chest.) "It’s no use. He’s as deaf as a stone and stoned."
Hadji: "Blasphemers! Oh Great One! Give this man power to see your infinite wisdom."
Villager #1: "Stop talking to the bloody rock. It’s starting to stink around here" -spit
Hadji: "Sire how fortunate for you. Rububahh has asked me to bless you."
Villager #1: "Hey loon put the rock down before you hurt someone!"
Hadji: "Do not fear him sire. His raps on the head bring color to our dreary lives."
Villager #1: "I’m telling you he’s crazy…Owww!" –THUNK!!!
Hadji: "You see it all becomes clear now. The wisdom of Rububahh overwhelms all!"
Villager #2: "Armand are you all right?"
Villager #1: " errrrr…. where did the ground go…..? "
Hadji: "Here, smoke this little brownish green root that you make rope out of."
Villager #2: "Someone help we’re being assaulted by a simpleton with a rock!"
A FEW EXAGGERATED MOMENTS LATER
Chorus of villagers: "String him up!"
Peacekeeper: "Sorry we’re out of string."
Chorus of villagers: "Lynch him!"
Peacekeeper: "Sorry fresh out of lynch too. He smoked it."
Chorus of villagers: "Any nails?"
Peacekeeper: "Oh they are in here some where. Top shelf I believe."
Chorus of villagers: "Crucify him! Hey, where did he go?"
Thus began what is known as the Great Desert Exodus, which has yet to be chronicled in its entirety. The villagers were of course puzzled by his timely disappearance. What was more puzzling was the changing of several hundred gold pieces from the bank into small bits of stone. This is known as the first Holy Miracle or as the villagers call it, the Great Rububahh Heist. Still there was the matter of the dung piling up around the village, which took the precedent over any bloody miracle.
In a hurried meeting the elders of the village quickly voted a law in that prohibited anyone from spitting on the sand. The punishment for the crime bound the individual and their descendants as the village camel dung shoveler. However, they neglected to inform the village of the new law. Armand, he played the part of Villager #1, was quickly arrested and the law was, just as quickly, rescinded. He complained of course until he found the job paid in various roots. These he sold at a substantial profit to outlanders. That is until the terrible Rahgon’s conquered the village during one of Unholy Crusades. The roots, who were quite happy to just stay in the ground and grow, thought this was bit odd since it only increased the demand for them.
Hadji wandered for many years (in circles) in the desert fasting (jonesing for any bloody root he could get a hold of). A caravan had discovered him half buried in the sand (much to their regret) clutching a rock and a bit of rope. The rock they had found Hadji with, unknown to Hadji at the time, had been replaced with Rububahh’s nemesis Hhabubur during a freakish sandstorm. The caravan nursed Hadji back to health (also much to their regret) and he rewarded them with many blessings from Rububahh, secretly Rububahh’s nemesis Hhabubur.
There was much rejoicing and many headaches. Hadji quickly discovered that the caravan had been shipping little brownish green roots that you make rope out of, and they had only an old copy of "1000 Uses For A Little Brownish Green Root That You Make Rope Out Of." When the caravan met another caravan going the opposite way they quickly escorted him ceremoniously (gagged and bound) in the middle of the night to the other caravan. He had smoked over half their stock and frankly they had all the blessings they could stand.
Still after many years he eats all vegetables. It is said the Great Seeker of Rububahh’s Wisdom is always telling those to young (to small a target) to be blessed by Rububahh to eat their vegetables. This has prompted kids all across the desert to say to their parents, "See what happens when you eat your vegetables."
As far as we know Rububahh is still roaming out there waiting for his sixth incarnation.
© donovan (dono) evans
Written in Tallahassee, Fl 1992
Modified in 2009 & 2013